GH In Real Life: An Issue of Trust

[DanJKroll]

When you operate a soap opera web site, you encounter a lot of people who roll their eyes at the soaps. One of the things that I've been known to do to get people to open their minds is to point out that soaps are not all that far removed from reality. So I thought that every so often I might pop in with a special thread that looks at something happening on the show and how all of us regular people have similar experiences.

So, let's start with the last time one of your favorite people came back into your life as a new character.
Just teasing. I was watching the hoopla surrounding Anthony Zacchara's release. Claudia insisted that her father was evil, but Ric said that Anthony had had a mental illness, was treated and is "feeling much better now."

Have you ever had anyone in your life that you had to decide whether or not they could be trusted again? Maybe they lied to you about something (I'm certain no one in your life has been as bad as a soap opera villain!). How do you know when you can trust them -- or are you someone that can't trust someone again if they've wronged you?

[Sussudio]

I think there are many variances of trust. Personally, I can't trust my father to stay out of my personal affairs even though I have given him no reason to be as intrusive, but I know I can trust him with my life.

[jasammer]

You know, I've tried to do this but apparently I'm one of those people that once you've lost my trust it will never be the same. I can still deal with you and even like or love you but I will always keep one eye on you.;)

[MsNanice]

I most likely will never fully trust a person again if they burn me once! However, if I accept them in my life and they disappoint, I just chalk it up to experience and never give them them another try!

[Antude]

Wow Dan,
THAT is certainly food for thought. Unfortunately I have to answer YES.
I have been lied to about something and found after several attempts,
this person would NEVER change and actually continued lying over small
immaterial things. So the answer was I could never trust that person
again, and after a few years broke off all ties with her,which was hard to do.
Perhaps that is why I taught my children the importance of telling the
truth no matter what it is, and thank goodness I succeeded.

OOPS Maybe this wasn't what you wanted?

[lizincinti]

Excellent question!

If someone betrays my trust then first and foremost they will need my forgiveness in order for me to even think about trusting again.

There have been several times that someone wronged me and I had to decide whether or not to forgive them.

It depends on what was done, why it was done and most importantly if the person is really sorry or just sorry that they are being held accountable.

There have been people I haven't been able to forgive because I didn't feel as if they were truely remorseful.

I don't trust easily especially when it comes to someone who has already betrayed my trust.

[GHFanAgain]

I can give someone a few times before walking away. Everyone makes mistakes, but it depends on what the mistake was.

As an exampled, I dated a guy who cheated on his previous girlfriend. He asked me out and although I really liked him I told him, so much as a hint of cheating and he would be gone. I did hear somethings and confronted him. He said he would never and I really wanted to believe him so I gave him a chance.

Next time I heard - I walked away - no looking back. In fact I was furious with myself for giving him a second chance.

I have walked away from friends for cheating on their partners - even though it did not directly affect me - it goes to character in my eyes.

[julianfan3]

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so trusting. I've been betrayed before, but it's so much easier to trust that I often find myself trusting again. I find many people don't want to see the hurt in your eyes when they betray you, and tend to not do it a second time.

[bettyjo30141]

I'm the type,that if.you betray my trust,I don't forget or forgive very easily!
it takes a lot to win me back over.& sometimes,I can't forgive the betrayal at all!
it really depends on what happens!

[lizincinti]

I most likely will never fully trust a person again if they burn me once! However, if I accept them in my life and they disappoint, I just chalk it up to experience and never give them them another try!

It's really about betrayal.

Saying that you are fine when you're not in response to someone asking "Hey, how are you?" isn't a betrayal, imo.

Cheating on a spouse is.

I can be quick to forgive for the little things but not the big things.

[lovingjasandliz]

I'm much like Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejud.........

Once my good favor has been lost...It has been lost forever...

I can be nice to you, tolerate you and speak compassionate words and wish you no harm...But you will never be as before and you will never fully gain my trust.....

Wrong/Right...I'm not sure....But that is the way it is with me...

[laurenbrooks21]

My mother-in-law is an alcoholic.... I have a 1 year old.... I don't trust her with my one year old as far as I can throw her - In 6 years, I have never ridden anywhere with her - since I had my baby she's blamed her alcoholism on me not letting her keep my child. If she went into rehab and "felt much better" I can imagine how hard it would be to see her as anything but an alcoholic or for her to earn my trust after all we've been through. It seems almost impossible to think of having to forgive and forget all the reasons and images in my head reminding my why I don't even let her hold my little girl and trust that I"ll never see her in a drunken stuper again... Which is, in essence, what I think Claudia is probably going through right now. I mean, I think Ric is asking Claudia to believe that her father won't hurt her or anyone she loves ever again - to trust him - which requires a lot of forgiving and forgetting when you have a history with someone.

Ok Dan, I totally was bored to tears by this s/l until this thread - so... thanks! :)

[RubyTuesday]

What a great take on this sl.

Yeah, I would trust the person again. Esp if they were close to me and were sorry for what they had done and tried to make changes.

AZ, well, I don't think he has done any of these things :]

[luv4abcsoaps]

If someone I knew simply lied to me on any issue. Then i could rebuild a trust. But it depends on how deep the lies. It would depend whether it was a betrayal. A betrayal of something major would be different.

I am feeling Claudia's case is something major:-?

[Hippopotamus]

Everyone makes mistakes in life. Obviously some have greater consequences and are harder to forgive. It is when someone has a pattern of making the same sort of mistakes that they may completely lose my trust. I may care about them, spend time with them, and sympathize with them, but at that point there becomes a part of me that I will not share with them any longer. There has to be a long period of changed behavior rather than just apologies and "making amends" - that is to say, if the undesireable behavior in question has created a problem, it is not enough to just "fix" the problem - the undesireable behavior must also change. It isn't enough to treat symptoms.

[bubsmom]

I have forgiven family members (in-laws actuallyLOL) for seemingly unforgivable things. In one case the person acted totally out of their usual character and must have had a breakdown or something and the other time it was my husband's abusive, neglectful parents. My husband forgave them and left the past in the past. It happened to him so if he felt they regained HIS trust who was I to argue.

[stacyb001]

It depends on what we are talking little things I can forgive or get over.

Things like what's happening in the s/l parental abuse: I cannot forgive nor do I have any desire to forgive. I choose not to have her (the abusive person) in my life or around my child & I have no regrets!


Great question by the way

[Patricklover77]

WOW Kudos to DanJKroll for starting a thread like this hehe. This is going to be a novel for me so I give you fair warning hehe. I guess you could say I am not one of these people who trusts very easily at all. It takes a lot to gain my trust because I have been burned many times by people in the past. Which is probably the reason I am single right now because I am not willing to let anyone in like that. But I guess once someone hurt me contiously over and over again I would never trust them again. But I am also one of these people once bitten twice shy. Hurt me once and I am done. I am not a very tolerant person where it comes to trusting. If you break my trust once it is very hard to gain it again. I think where Johnny and Claudia are at right now with Anthony is the same way. I wish they would dig a little more into what actually happened to make them feel the way they do towards their father it would fill in a lot of blanks. I still maintain that there were some awful things done to Claudia when she was at home not just by Anthony either. I think Trevor might have been in on some of it as well. But I can see where they might not be inclined to trust Anthony again.

[stormy5]

For me it depends. While I might forgive a friend for lying about not being able to go to lunch because they had other plans and perhaps find out that it was because they wanted to go with someone else and just didn't want to fess up, I probably would, but I would make them crawl a little first.:]

But if someone betrays something I've told them in trust, no way would I ever tell them anything I wanted to keep confindential and our conversations would be reduced to conversations about the weather.

Having said all that, what I find incredible about this is that Anthony is cured because he's on his meds. My father was a paranoid schizophrenic and even with my mother making sure he took his medications daily, he had "episodes", and when someone with that condition has an episode, you can not reason or convince them that what they believe is real is not. My father was never violent toward anyone, but he was a danger to himself when he was in that state. It does not go away with one magic pill. It would require hospitialization and some heavy duty anti-pyschotic drugs to get it under control over several days. It's not something that someone who has it is ever cured of.

[sister_earth]

Usually I'm forgiving and kind-hearted- and give someone another chance to prove themselves-and wonder how sincere they are-or their motive why they want to hang around in my life after a incident..... I always say "Trust has to be earned"...
If it's a whopper--and you hurt me-I prefer you stay away from me! People like that steal-use ya-abuse ya-and they'll never change-maybe for awhile-then it's back to the same old BS! It's like a pattern for some.Gotta take a stand-and realize you're better off without people like that in your life.
Soaps are different-fiction drama.
I wish Alexis and Ric would find a way back together.

[darford]

Yes, and it was a mistake every time.

Whatever it was that made you evict a person from your life the FIRST time, will be at the root cause when you jettison them the LAST time. So, spare yourselves unnecessary drama, and don't go back for seconds, thirds, etc. [-(

(Doesn't mean you can't forgive a person, but you needn't let them back into your inner circle, to do so.)

[She_Burns]

Once trust is shattered, that's the end for me. I can be civil, but that's as far as it goes. Breaking trust just ruins the whole relationship, to me it's the foundation of one. I have a few people who I no longer trust, I find it quite annoying to have to constantly second guess whether or not they are being truthful. And I know I'll never be close to them again, cause it's just too hard.
Of course, this is referring to "big things." Little white lies or whatever, I can get past.

[iris0987]

Sometimes you cannot help it but forgive. My parents can be very verbally abusive with me, and it hurts a lot - I often pass out when they yell at me. But time passes, and I call or visit them again. It's a sensitive topic for me, but I don't know any other way then just to forgive them.

[hawkgirl]

I think the best way to describe it is.....once trust is broken, you might forgive, but you don't forget.

[BitterEnd]

Personally, I don't forget, but I always forgive, even when I know when I shouldn't. It's just impossible for me not to trust people. If my worst enemy apologized and started being nice to me, I'd trust them with my life within a week.

Of course, soap characters can't be like that, because they wouldn't survive the next sweeps.

[LexCorinthos]

Oh good question. I have issues letting people close to me. I am pretty much an open book about most things but there are certain things that only a select few see. When I feel like that trust is broken...I can forgive rather easily...however most of the time our relationships will never be the same.
Example...my sister and I have been the best of friends ever since we were kids. But she broke that respect, that trust level...and it really threw me for a loop. Of course I have forgiven her; she is my sister and I love her unconditionally but we will NEVER get back what we had. There will always be a part of me that keep's her at arms length to avoid letting her get close enough to hurt me again. I guess in a way I emotionally check out.

[dollyrocker98]

Have you ever had anyone in your life that you had to decide whether or not they could be trusted again? Maybe they lied to you about something (I'm certain no one in your life has been as bad as a soap opera villain!). How do you know when you can trust them -- or are you someone that can't trust someone again if they've wronged you?



Great question Dan! Twelve years ago, when I realized I would NEVER be able to trust her, I cut my sister-in-law out of my life entirely (fortunately, my brother & I have remained close). After giving her numerous "second" chances over the years I finally decided my life would be a lot happier and less stressful without her in it. It's a decision I've never regretted.

[nsquared]

Once trust has been broken for me, it is almost impossible to regain it.

This is the case with my sister. I love her, because she is my sister, but I don't trust her at all and it makes me sad.

I cannot let her get close enough to cause me pain again and I worry that she is always 1/2 a second away from causing my parents pain. I can't protect them, but I chose to protect myself and keep her at arms length because of it.

I think it is a horrible way to relate to a member of your own family. (nn)

[thequietone]

I've been burned by one to many men. So I don't trust men. There are only 2 that I trust and that's only because we've been friends for 20 years.

I was nervous and untrusting of my brother in law's then girlfriend because she had been through alot and I didn't know if she was going to bring him down or change for the better like she wanted to. So I decided to support her without trusting her and happily she is now one of my closest friends and married to my brother-in-law with two exceptional children.

I have a similar situation with my sister. If we disagree she is always right and has to have the last word. She is private and hasn't forgiven or gotten past how my parents raised us. (long story). To make a long story short she is argumentive and doesn't believe she owes my parents anything and I never tell her what's going on because she would offer to help and make things worse. Very sad. I don't think I will ever be able to have a relationship with her. One more thing: I was talking to her once and said that all people have a small part of us that lets us get along with the others in the world and she said that part of her is different also.

[yoyo50408]

I used to be much more trusting than I am now, but it was to the point where I would get hurt and go back for more, because I didn't understand the concept of boundaries. You could say that I was a doormat, and unfortunately, I would have to agree. I don't allow people to take advantage of me anymore, and I am much happier in my skin.

[yoyo50408]

These days, if someone violated my trust, I would have a very hard time giving them another chance.

[flex22v]

I believe that many people take crap in their lives that they shouldn't just because the person giving it to them is "family." I, however, do not believe that just because you share a few genetic markers with someone, you have to associate with or continue to interact with a Toxic individual.


I tend to have different categories that the people in my life fall into. People have different levels of information access, different closeness, etc etc... I am very left brained/logical/not emotional at all so I don't really come unglued or see things as big betrayals - I just take it as okay you moved from friend to acquantaince or completely off the list. No drama or confrontation and they wouldn't ever really be back in my "circle of trust" (aka meet the fockers:]) because I don't need to get burnt twice to know a match is hot. I just relegate them to that part of my life reserved for conversations about the weather or polite nods of acknowledgement at family gatherings.

[Bellajewels]

For me personally once my trust has been broken it's really difficult for me to completely let it go. I'll be perfectly candid. I'm not a trusting person to begin with. I always expect people to betray me so I come ready for it. It's not fair to the people around me because I'm always expecting the worst. But it's just who I am. Almost everyone I love has done damage on varying degrees. And my friends are the same. They've also done various degrees of damage. Because of the amount of people who've hurt me you have to prove you're trustworthy before I completely trust you. That doesn't mean that I'm suspicious all the time. I'm just always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It sucks but it's what happens when almost everyone you trust isn't really trustworthy.

[tumshie]

Great topic...I have always been trusting (to a fault my Mum says) and it takes alot to lose my trust..but once you cross that imaginary line, I am done.

[SamCarlyKate]

This is probably one of my biggest problems with people is trust. I've had trust broken by both a family member and a 'friend'.

I actually found it easier to forgive the friend over the family member because the family member showed no sort of remorse for invading my personal privacy and actually tried to justify it. As far as me and him are concerned, he will never be able to recieve my trust again because in his mind he can't realize what he did was wrong. It's sad but sometimes you really cant trust people with certain things.

As for the friend, i realize it was apart of her personality but i never trusted her again with anything really serious. I say its better to just keep most things to yourself because very rarely do you find anyone you can truly trust.

[babeinpc]

I guess I've been fortunate and I'm certainly grateful that I've never lost trust in any family member. I inadvertently betrayed my only sister's trust some years back, but it wasn't malicious on my part - only divulging information to another family member which she shared with me. There was a rift between us for about 3 years and my heart hurt during that whole time. We're now closer than ever, and I really learned from the whole experience. I would never turn away from a family member - EVER. There is always room for redemption and forgiveness. BUT, because soaps are not real world, who knows what can happen.

[Ruffles]

I'm probably far too lenient with my friends, but then again, at my age I think I've weeded out the bad ones and am only really left with the ones I want to have around. But when I was in my early 20s (that is so hard for me to say, since I'm only 27...I don't want to be able to look back at my early 20s!!) I had some seriously f-ed up friends who continuously were jerks and I just kept on forgiving them. Then again I was young too and did some awful things.

When it comes to guys though, it is SO hard for them to win my trust back. If a guy breaks my trust once I don't break up with him or anything, I just make him keep proving himself over and over and over again until I completely ruin the relationship. I guess I should probably just realize at this point that I do not let people get my trust back that easily so those poor guys don't have to put up with me anymore. And thus one of the many reasons I've preferred to stay single for the past few years. It's just so much easier!

[SpunMuffin]

It depends; if the person considers what they did a mistake. Nobody will change unless they are self motivated. But for many ppl. dealing with the fall-out from 'mistakes' is usually enough to convince them they want to not do that again.

[maggie011685]

I'm all for forgiveness, but I also say you should never forget.

My best friend had a drug problem and stole some things from me last year. She's clean now, but I am constantly watching her for signs that she's headed that way again, just so that I can keep her from slipping again. I have forgiven her completely because she has completely turned her life around, but I'll never forget what she was like then.

Another friend of mine, I have cut out my life completely, for the simple reason that she hasn't changed at all, she's just always been mean and I am sick of having my secrets blabbed all over town and being embarrassed in front of everyone constantly.

It all depends on circumstances for me.

[Palabra]

Excellent topic.

I think it is possible for relationships to rebound from some pretty serious betrayals, albeit not in the same way. The budding Ric/Alexis trust/friendship sort of reminds me of my relationship with me ex. He betrayed me at a really insensitive and horrible time. I was angry, but I also sort of understood and sympathized with him a little bit. I have moved on and am now married and would never trust him in a romantic way again (although I hope Alexis and Ric will become romantic again someday). Even so, we do have a friendship. We talk online and, when we're in the same state, we hang out. My husband and I are both friends with our exes. Our parents think it's weird. They've come over to our place for game night or dinner or something and found our exes among the invited guests and been sort of uncomfortable with it, but the hubby and I think it's normal. We were all friends long before any of us had any romantic entanglements with one another, so as long as we're all clear on where the romantic entanglements are now, there's no reason to screw up the friendships. The hubby and I have even been known (rarely) to hang out alone with our respective exes. I think it is possible to forgive and move on.

Like someone else said earlier, though, the trick is never to forget. Part of the reason that my hubby and I can trust each other around our exes is because we both know that neither of us would be crazy enough to open ourselves to those people in that way again. We have some lingering trust issues there and, for example, would never fix our exes up with anyone about whom we care. I think that is where soap operas and real life differ. On soaps, the gravest of betrayals are often counterbalanced by selfless acts. A character who tries to kill you one year might save your life the next, thereby demonstrating his or her complete change of heart. I think that's why soap relationships are easier to mend and get back to where they were before. In real life, I think that's a lot harder. The relationship has to change in order to be repaired and, even then, there's always that little niggling doubt. Usually, there's never the opportunity for selfless sacrifice that, on a soap, would clear up the trust issues for good.

[KimJay]

I can't think of anyone I haven't forgiven for a wrong. But I can think of some people that I've forgiven, but that I won't get involved with again to the extent that I expose myself to the risk of the same type(s) of wrongdoing. The ex comes to mind first and foremost ... great guy, but he can't be trusted to never betray again, even though his motives are sterling.

[Alyseeya]

I think it really does depend on the person and the magnitude of the lie or betrayal. I have an acquaintance/friend who is the biggest white lie teller, and I have finally just got to the point where I don't even really bother to maintain the relationship with her bc it's just getting old bc her lie telling is so obvious. I have never confronted her bc I am not that offended by it, but I really just could do without it, so I just don't bother calling her. If she calls me fine, but I don't bother with her. Now betrayal by say my dad, well that's another story and we don't have enough time or space for it!

[CieBrzee]

I trust too easily; hurt too deeply. While the pain remains in the shadows, I walk away and allow time to heal that particular situation. Lesson learned ... and I move on.

[bell_al]

I'm having a problem with this one - as it is not the first time I've asked myself this very thing.

I have a family member who had severe depression and rages. She harmed a # of the members of the family emotionally, at the least.

The problem is - she was mentally ill. How do ya stay angry at someone who was sick? Even when she didn't take her medicine? And then, on the other hand, ya say, didn't she have a choice?

Some wondered if the real diagnosis was honestly bipolar disorder...

I don't know, except I remember asking why I wasn't enough of a reason to get help. I wasn't.

The only things that have helped are: (a) this family member got treatment - cognitive therapy and medications; (b) a needed operation; (c) I moved away; and lastly, (d) there have been 9 years since the end of the madness...

The distance has made things easier - both in the geographic and linear senses.

I think this problem'd have to be analyzed a # of ways:
(a) what is this connection to this person? The greater the connection, perhaps the greater chances for reconciliation...
(b) the degree of the harm created....and,
(c) whether mental illness is involved and the person's efforts to address the problems; and,
(d) what kind of time has past since the harm.

[magyck]

I have had people close to me betray my trust and it hurt so bad. I try to forgive them. And sometimes it works and I am eventually able to trust them again. When I love somebody, I always want to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, somebody very close to me betrayed my trust repeatedly years ago, and I will never trust her completey again.

[Mrs.Ric Lansing]

I have had to decide if I could forgive someone....(actually my boyfriend) and I decided that I deserve someone who is gunna treat me right and I decided that he needed to go and that I couldnt trust him again...

[antv]

I used to be trusting...I used to look at life through rose colored glasses. Then I woke up. Even though I used to view life as if it were full of bunny tails, butterflies and an occasional warm breeze, life just tends to through its punches at you and you either duck or take the blow. Trusting others falls along those same lines to me. Burn me once, shame on you...burn me twice, shame on me!

I try to forgive others because I want to be forgiven by my Father God in Heaven. So, I do my best to let go of grievances and ill thoughts. Just call me a work in progress.

:)

[ChivluvGh]

Trust and forgiveness has always been An Issue for me,,,,,,,,,its hard for me to believe People Especially MEN,Once you have wronged/bretrayed Thats it my Hands are Washed from You,,,,,I suppose Some might say it stems from My father abandoing me from A yOUNG AGE(tYPICAL and A Long story)after he my mother seperated,He decided That i wasnt Important Enough For Him to matain a relationship with me,,,,,anyhow Let me Not get Into This:rolleyes:..........anways i digress
I'm not saying that all things Cant be forgiven it some things are Unforgivable.....trust Is really an Important Thing To have any relationship once you loose That trust its hard to get it back ,really hard

[Curlie]

IA that it definetly depends on the circumstances and the degree of the
betrayal. Some things are harder to get over than others. However, I have
learned to except people for who they are, and not for who I want them to
be and that has helped. This way when some things are done that I think
are in bad taste, it just ends up being, a case where it is what it is and
that is it. Once you have done something to me that I consider betrayal
or untrust worthy, that just alerts me to the type of person that you are,
and I adjust myself accordingly. That does not mean that I will not be
coordial to you, or even associate with you, but I will never put myself
in a position for you to do it again.

There are certain things that people can do to you under certain circumstances, like alcohol and drugs that you know that if they were
sober or in their right mind they would not do. However, the trust issue
comes in when you have to consider will they be under that influence
again and do they care to be mindful of that flaw. I have known people
that have changed, and I have known people that have not. So it
works both ways, I think you just have to have a discerning spirit and
know when to listen to your instincts about people and always keep
your eyes and your alert system on. There is only one person that I totally
trust and that is God, everyone else is human and subject to change.
I am always forgiving, but very rarely do I forget.

[Witch]

When you operate a soap opera web site, you encounter a lot of people who roll their eyes at the soaps. One of the things that I've been known to do to get people to open their minds is to point out that soaps are not all that far removed from reality.

Anything that generates the amount of discussion we see on these boards can't be entirely devoid of value.

[sassyklerk]

Screw me once, shame on you.
Screw me twice, shame on me....?

My lifes experience has taught me that there isn't many people in ones life that one can truely trust. It's been a shame on me kinda thing over and over and I gave up on people/friends long ago. It's kinda sad I suppose. Makes for a lonely life at times but then I sure don't miss all the drama of twofaced, backstabbing friends. I have many aquaintences but only a few friends.

I love my family and that's where life is fullfilling for me. I'm a mom and a grandma and love it and all that comes with it.

Oh and love my soaps... they can do all the drama and I just sit back and watch :]

Interesting topic Dan!

[sassyklerk]

My mother-in-law is an alcoholic.... I have a 1 year old.... I don't trust her with my one year old as far as I can throw her - In 6 years, I have never ridden anywhere with her - since I had my baby she's blamed her alcoholism on me not letting her keep my child. If she went into rehab and "felt much better" I can imagine how hard it would be to see her as anything but an alcoholic or for her to earn my trust after all we've been through. It seems almost impossible to think of having to forgive and forget all the reasons and images in my head reminding my why I don't even let her hold my little girl and trust that I"ll never see her in a drunken stuper again...

Lauren... I am a recovering alcoholic and will have 3 years sober the 12th of this month. It is possible for someone to get sober and stay sober and be responsible but it takes a lot of work and accepting responsibility for what they've done. It's typical for alcoholics to put the blame on someone else because if they accepted the blame then they'd have to admit and accept the fact they are an alcoholic. Alcoholism is the only disease that tells you that you don't have it. There is always hope and I will keep you and your mother in law in my prayers.

[Jabe_Slater]

Trust is a big deal to me. Especially because I don't let people into my life very easily or quickly. Once you are in I don't expect more than I would give or less, which is honesty, love, compassion and just for you to be a positive part in my life.

In the past I would let the people I love have many chances because I knew it had taken so much work to even get to the point where we were in our relationship. I also felt unworthy so I somehow felt I didn't deserve to be angry at people who chose to be my friends. For that reason, I was miserable in some relationships, never letting go but getting my trust broken and my heart broken and always "forgiving" ( i put that in quotations because I never really took the time to heal or forgive, I just allowed people immediately back in).

Recently, after years of heartbreak( well not too many I'm only 22 lol) I decided that I can do bad all by myself...if you hurt me or betrayed me then you DO NOT have my back and I don't need you. so you are cut off. Does it hurt? Yes. But it hurts way less that building expectations over and over again only to have them torn down.

[databasschic]

Good topic!!! First off I just want to tell Dan something... GREAT JOB ON RELATIVE MADNESS!!!! I watched in this morning and I was like OMG he's that guy from SOC!!

I have a hard time trusting people. A lot of it comes from when I was too trusting. I had friends and boyfriends screwing me over left and right. That caused a lot of problems when my husband and I first got together.

Family wise, I can't trust my dad's brother and his wife. They have done nothing but shun my mother, brother and me from my dad's side of the family since he died in 2002. They say hateful things about all three of us while also attempting to persuade my grandmother to stop sending us birthday money and cutting us out of her will because we're "not family anymore". His wife came over to my mother's house (my husband and I were house sitting for her while she was out of town) and told me that my mother wanted her to talk to me about the dangerous path I was going down and that I needed to be more respectful to her. Well, when I talked to my mom she was furious because of course, she never said that. The two of them have also tried to convince my cousin that I'm nothing but a bad influence. Then after Christmas I blocked them from being able to see my myspace profile and got a hateful message from my dad's brother's wife talking about how ungrateful I am to them because they have done nothing to deserve all the bad mouthing I do about them. Again, not true.

My family has given them chance after chance but they always go and do something childish like that. Normally I can forgive and forget with family, but they don't deserve my trust anymore.

[PrincessL]

Once trust is broken, it is hard to gain back to the degree before the violation. I forgive in my own time, do not forget, and redefine my boundaries so that I can move forward. It is not always necessary to cut people out, but I have done so when I have had to. It just depends on the role the person has in my life and how much I have invested in the relationship. I've had to let 2 bad relationships go over the last couple of years. It has been difficult, but necessary for my own health. Some relationships don't survive the breach of trust. I guess it all depends on the circumstances.

Good, thought provoking question.

[Taoboi]

And I have to agree with what I read so far.

With very few exceptions, if the trust is lost with me it doesn't seem to come back...ever.

[manicviolet]

My boyfriend calls me the grudge. And though it take a lot to push me to a point of extreme distrust when it happens I'm pretty much done and written that person off. I don't believe change comes easy if at all but is possible. It's more of a situational deal.

[Wanda Vaughan]

I think the best way to describe it is.....once trust is broken, you might forgive, but you don't forget.
I agree with you. Usually it is because they are family, but, as you say, I will always remember.

[ghfwfan]

I find that as I mature and gain more life expierence that I have varying degrees of trust for different people. I have some very good friends where we have been through so much together and our belief and trust in each other is solid. Newer friends and acquaintances are not rewarded so easliy with my trust, thoughts and secrets. Learning caution in any relationship has made my life better.

I am still learning that certain people are more worthy of forgiveness and I am more willing to trust them again. Those people that hurt you time and time again and they don't seem to value you (big clue) then give them some distance and take a break. The key is having good people judgement. It does not come easy and I still get burned but I am learning.

Thanks for the topic. It is always interesting when you have to dig just a little to know thy ownself better.:-?

[Cheri]

I can forgive almost anything ... and I have. My problem is that when I finally decide a relationship is over ... BAM! It's over. I don't see it coming and neither does the other person. I'm not sure why. I feel a lot of guilt about this.

I had a relationship with a cheating partner for years. I forgave ... and forgave ... I finally left him but not because he was cheating. He told a tiny white lie. I caught him and walked out the door. Never spoke to him again. A friend told me my ex-partner was stunned. So was I!

As the mother of two grown children I have learned that trust/honesty is relative. I think it's about intent. Most people don't mean to cause pain. It's usually a by-product (sp?) of thoughtlessness.

[shellyinphx]

I actually almost always forgive people, and I trust people to a fault. But like someone says I never forget. And I forgive people who hurt me a lot faster then I forgive someone who hurt someone I love. Like my sister.

[fuzzy4paws]

Great thread. I am the type of person who sees and believes in only the good in everyone. One would say I am such a sucker for I am so gullible. I have been burnt many times but normally I do forgive but never forget. However there are two people right now who I am having a hard time trusting and will never forgive. They have turned my live totally upside down and full of so much pain and sorrow to the point where I have learned the true meaning of the word “hate”. I have never hated anyone before. I might not like someone but never hated so much to where it will be a very long time before I just dislike them if I can get to that point. I keep praying to God to help me find the goodness in them but just can't see it.

[duff]

Yes, I love this thread. It helps me get some context on why I can have a hard time when someone posts that they don't care if someone gets raped, etc. on a show. There isn't this "soap-watcher" part of me that totally disconnects from the real me. It's hard for me to think people are truly O.K. with people being seriously hurt, even on television. It's great to see such genuine posts on this thread.

I want to forgive people who hurt me, but it is hard. I think it's my hurt that gets in the way of forgiving. I work at it, though, and can be successful. I think carrying a grudge hurts more than anything, so my desire to forgive is a little selfish, too. I think I can forgive someone I care about far easier than someone I don't care that much about. I might be mad for a while, and put up my defenses, but at the end of the day, if I think they are truly sorry and I feel understood, I can forgive. It probably doesn't hurt knowing I have done things I need to be forgiven for, too. Sometimes I have to let go of a relationship when there is no evidence that things will change. That's never fun, but I do like getting to a place where my good memories replace my hurt.

[Amethystar]

There are several periods in my life that I have had people betray me. Looking at each instance on an individual basis, it is difficult to say "you betrayed me and now I will never trust you". It is just not the same feelings for each betrayal. In other words trust is an issue that ranges from forgiveness, to forgetting to acceptance and depending on the situation can be overcome. Generally speaking, I think trust once lost is almost impossible to find again.
It is important to know that learning to trust again affects everyone involved for the betterment of all. In that respect, trusting is beneficial for a quality of life.

[renae1221]

I can forgive a betrayal, but, I won't forget it.

Case in point: In my entire 26 years of living, the FIRST love of my life cheated on me with my "best friend". I forgave him, eventually. After forgiving him, I eventually forgave her---just didn't make sense to forgive the man yet leave a "friend" out in the wind.

I never forgot what happened, but, at least I didn't have so much bitterness in my heart for it. I no longer to talk to the both of them but at least I know I tried as hard as I could to be the better person.

[shari]

i wrote in this before and deleted it because i have a very hard time trusting anyone .
i trust my mom , my son and brother. cant trust my sister anymore because all she does is lie to me just to cover her so called bad habits and im not stupid because i know what shes doing. she use to be my best friend , i could tell her EVERYTHING but not anymore because she has lied right to my face , eye to eye for the last time. i tried helping her and i dont wanna give up because i do love her but the next time she goes through something bad i am calling 911 on her and she can hate me for the rest of my life . it would make me feel good that shes getting the help that she so desperately needs.
since i was a kid i grew up protecting people and being there for them but so many have stepped on me and it ain't happening anymore .
right now in my life trust is a very big issue for me but i do have to learn to trust all over AGAIN AND I WILL. im sick of people taking things away from me like that.
i almost lost faith in everything , people know what im going through and i even had someone pray with me . just a tough time right now but we all get through it . we all have are ups and downs. you just have to believe in yourself and NEVER give up .
my trust will come back. i have faith in that.

[SelfMadeBum]

I don't trust easily, and almost never completely.

Having said that, once my trust is broken; that's it; I'm done with you. There's no discussion, no second chances. I don't want you in my life.

Especially if its someone I completely trusted; if I feel betrayed, I stay betrayed and never let that person back into my life again.

I don't ask of people what I don't demand of myself. I take others' trust in me extremely seriously - my word is my bond. Example: When I was much younger I used to be friendly with this guy, and we told each other something no one else on earth knows about us; recently (years later) one of my best friends who I love with everything got involved with him and although I hadn't spoken to him in forever, I told her about the secret. She begged and begged me to tell her what he told me and although this guy and I weren't friends anymore, I simply could not betray his trust and eventually my best friend had to accept that I keep my word.

Now she knows she can tell me anything.

[Marsue]

This issue of trust made a great topic for discussion. I notice most people were not too willing to forgive and forget. I wonder if these people would want to be forgiven should they be the one to make the mistake and want to repair the damage. No one wants to be walked on and made to look foolish, but if this person is important to your life, is there no forgiveness to be given? I think unless a person molested my child (or someone else's child) I would cry until I ran out of tears and then decide how I wanted to deal with it. Not many marriages can last decades without an incident requiring forgiveness. If we want to be forgiven for our own poor choice once, we need to be open to forgiving others.

I am adding this because today when I reread what I wrote I realized I left the "molesting" issue unclear. The deciding how to deal with a molester meant call police or buy a gun. No forgiveness there.

[SelfMadeBum]

^ As I said above, I don't expect of anyone what I don't offer myself.

If the betrayal is such that I feel I can't get past it, why continue to have that person in my life?

[blonde007]

When you operate a soap opera web site, you encounter a lot of people who roll their eyes at the soaps. One of the things that I've been known to do to get people to open their minds is to point out that soaps are not all that far removed from reality. So I thought that every so often I might pop in with a special thread that looks at something happening on the show and how all of us regular people have similar experiences.

So, let's start with the last time one of your favorite people came back into your life as a new character.
Just teasing. I was watching the hoopla surrounding Anthony Zacchara's release. Claudia insisted that her father was evil, but Ric said that Anthony had had a mental illness, was treated and is "feeling much better now."

Have you ever had anyone in your life that you had to decide whether or not they could be trusted again? Maybe they lied to you about something (I'm certain no one in your life has been as bad as a soap opera villain!). How do you know when you can trust them -- or are you someone that can't trust someone again if they've wronged you?

Honey, you clearly haven't observed my family! :-)

I have a bunch of cousins who are just ... hideous people. For many years i just let them be jerks, not thank us (my folks and i) for anything we would do for them ....we didn't think thanks were necessary, because that's just what you do for family. You help them. Give them your money. Give them your refrigerator.

Eventually, it was like we were in a rerun. The same stories from the same people, the same excuses. I think there comes a day when a light goes on and one realizes, this is wearing me out. We are being used and mocked for the same reason - our faith.:(

A wise woman who had seen a lot of this finally told me "Quit casting your pearls before swine". It made me cringe, but i am a much happier woman now. I do get sad when i think of my cousins and 2nd cousins and 3rd and aunts and half aunts etc. and how nothing is what it was like when i was a kid and my Grandparents & Great Grands were around to keep a lid on things, but i am much saner and happier now that i learned to just say "no". When a person lies to you consistently (and that is all they can do consistently! :-?), it just becomes disgusting and it is far easier to let them go.

[shakemyhead]

Trust is something that you earn - it's not something that's automatically given to you. I've had many people who started to earn my trust, but when I saw them for what they really were they lost it. AND THEY'LL NEVER GET IT BACK AGAIN!!!

[dgct2]

Trust is very important to me. It takes me a lot to trust someone because I've been stabbed in the back honestly one too many times. It takes me a long time to forgive someone. Someone in my family said a destructive lie about someone else in my family that I care about a lot about to everyone. Even though it wasn't about me it was about someone that I cared about. There are certain lines that you do not cross with me. One of them is hurting my family. I haven't spoken to that person in almost 15 years because I don't know if I could ever trust them again.

[mute90]

I think it depends on what you mean by trust. Most people, I only trust to a certain extent and if they betray me or lie to me, our relationship is done. I don't place enough trust in most people that I can't turn around and walk away. It might hurt, but I'll move on with my life and there is no way they will be a part of it.

The only people I trust completely is my immediate family. I've been hurt by a sibling before. It wasn't a sudden, harsh hurt. It was something that just built up over time until it reached the breaking point. When it reached that point, I felt like I never wanted to see them again. However, I couldn't stay mad at them because I fully trusted them and they had made their way past my defenses. It only works for immediate family, though. There are plenty of aunts, uncles, and cousins that I will never trust or ever trust again.

[heatherweber]

take this to the blogs

[Damian&Dante]

ha I had several people that I thaught that I can never trust again but that changed after several months of being alone and lonley

[Xandra]

It depends on who , what and how. I don't know if I ever forget or truly forgive but it really depends on the circumstance and who the person I trusted is. How much I care for the person and what they did to break my trust. /:-}

[mharlin1969]

My best friend of 20 years came to stay with me and slept with my babies daddy. I swear, I couldn't make this up. For over a year, we were not friends. She didn't just go away, she proceeded to make my life hell. She moved away with my ex--eventually they broke up. My ex and I came to a good understanding as parents. Ultimately, my friend and I started speaking again and she took responsibility for her actions, and we decided 20 years of friendship was worth fighting for. She promised never to betray me again. Currently, she is moving to Alabama with my ex...so much for never going there again...But, what i learned was that how people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours. She is moving cross country with a man who can't get his life together--that is her karma. And, I have learned that people who aren't trustworthy, aren't worth trusting. I have a clear picture of what to expect now.

[bluzmama]

Mharlin, you must have really been devastated by these people. I'm not sure which betrayal would hurt worse. You are probably well rid of both of them. Someday it won't hurt so much. Good luck in finding better friends and a loyal man.

My problem is my son's ex girlfriend. She lied about big and little things. Since she is the mother of my grandchildren I bite my tongue and just figure that maybe she'll telling the truth, maybe she isn't. I worry because I'm sure she's lied in front of my grandchildren and I don't want them to think that lying is acceptable behavior. Since I want a relationship with them, choose not to confront their mother. I doubt that she likes me any better than I like her but we are civil to one another.

[soapygirl6979]

well guess it is all depends who the person is i usally try to forgive the person and give them a second chance know one is perfect